I want to refocus!

I'm not sure what way is the best way to blog... I never thought I'd have a blog. So far it's been a mix of things that people have asked me about but has had no real direction. The thought of having more than 1 blog is too much for me right now.

My life has been changing without any real focus on what I want or what I want to share with others. I am being pulled into many directions... even now while I'm trying to focus and write this blog, my kids have interrupted me 3 times. How can (make that 4...) and 5... now 6 times... oh hell, why do I bother typing when I have kids? How can I focus on what I want when I'm being pulled in so many directions by my kids?

I had a plan. I was going to teach art, get a masters in art therapy, and then get my doctorate. I was going to have a house with my dogs, husband and kids. I was going to be successful and known. But somewhere along the way I was derailed. I lost my focus or priorities changed.

So here I am. A mom, a wife, a dog and home owner, but I have nothing to call all mine. I love my husband, kids, dog and even house but I have to share all of those. I want to be able to come home and tell my husband and kids about my day. Tell them how I helped someone work through something they were struggling with. I don't want to talk about what I did around the house (which is usually little to nothing). I don't want the only conversations I have with my husband to be about his work or the bills. I want something that is all mine that I can share with my family. I want good stories to look back on and smile. I want memories of my family and I laughing over the fun things we did on summer vacation. I'm afraid that all the memories we will have are the ones of not having enough money to allow my kids to go bowling with their gym class or to pay for their art fee.

I'm doing everything I can but it's not enough. I try to have fun nights with the kids, playing games or cards or watching movies. We try to eat dinner together but even that has be happening less and less as the kids schedule gets busier and busier. I want my perfect life, the one I had in my plans, the one I can still see somewhere in my future. I just don't know when I will have that life.

I never had a hard time focusing as a child or young adult, but as soon as I became a mother I had to focus on more than what I wanted. Now that my kids are older and more independent I want the change to refocus my life again. But I'm still being pulled into too many directions. I have so many likes and talents that I'm not sure what will be the best choice. Maybe if I left money out of it and thought only about what makes me happy, I could find my center again. I need to do things just because I love doing them, not because I might make some money to help support my growing family. It's a hard thing to do when there are 7 people in this household and only 1 full time income. But I think if I truly want to be happy I need to do this.

So here are some of my talents, degrees or interests...
BSE in art education
nail technician license
Emergency Medical Responder (maybe one day paramedic)
owning my own coffee shop/diner
making art (pottery, painting, drawing, print making, photography, or sculpture)
landscaping
computer animation
I like talking/listening to people and helping them with their problems
baking
I want to learn a language but don't want to do the work (wish that was possible)

I had great creative ideas when I was a kid, I feel like I've lost that and most of my memories. I think that happens when you stifle creativity and talent for too long. You become lazy and bored. I have forgotten how to be fun and creative and I want it back!

So some how I think I'm going to try to do that here. I'm going to try and focus on something I love and share it with whom ever wants to read it. I keep telling myself I want to be a teacher so I'm going to forgo the classroom and teach my readers. I'm going to forget about the money I could make or might even lose and just do what I love to do. TEACH.